From Board Bills to Babies on Board: The Real Scoop On Riding After Kids

Last December, a little over three weeks after the birth of my son, I dragged myself to the barn for the first time. I was there against doctor’s orders, technically; wearing maternity leggings and an oversized coat, operating on less than four hours of non-consecutive sleep. I was thrilled. 

It was the first time I’d been away from my newborn, Rhys, and the first time I’d seen my young horse, Nugget, in more than a month. I wasn’t yet riding, myself, but the opportunity just to be there—grooming and throwing my arms around my horse’s neck, breathing in the same, icy puffs of winter air—was something of a revelation. In the months since, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what getting back in the saddle since giving birth has been all about. 

For first-time moms, I’ll say it right away: swinging your leg over a horse with a new baby at home is filled with its fair share of motivational self-talk, scheduling challenges, and adjusted expectations. For this story, I decided to poll several of my closest mom/rider friends to get the scoop on their experiences. They are women from around the country, competing across multiple disciplines, amateurs and professionals, alike. 

“I didn't have fears of falling, or anxiety of being hurt, I had fears and anxiety that this little person would take away my passion, my identity. I remember clients [who] would come into the store to buy their children's riding stuff, and they would say, ‘Oh, I quit [riding] after having kids, it was just too much.’  I would look at them with horror on my face and vow I would never be like them.”

I’m including most of their insights here anonymously (I’ve changed their names), as I know first-hand how hard it can be to discuss these issues openly without feeling like you’re compromising your integrity as a mom, a feminist, an athlete, or any one of the thousand, other hats women are expected to wear. Not all of our experiences are the same, but a few, common threads unite our stories.

The ‘Fear’ Factor

“You should do it,” my barn manager told me once while we contemplated if I should move up a division in the jumpers at my next horse show. “Do it now, before you get pregnant. Once you have a kid, you might be scared.”

That wasn’t the first time I’d heard the sentiment: That new moms and formerly gutsy riders return to the ring and suddenly find, to their dismay, that they’ve lost some combination of nerve, competitive edge, or riding physicality. But is it true?

So far, that hasn’t been my own experience. I’m fortunate to have two, good-minded horses; my trusty, 18-year-old partner, D, who’s stepping down, and Nugget, who I hope will one day fill his shoes. Being on D through the first half of my pregnancy, even just walking, and knowing I’d have him to get back on after Rhys was born was beneficial to me both mentally and physically. That said, I did feel a self-imposed pressure to come back quickly for 7-year-old Nugget, who I was hoping to show during winter circuit. After speaking with my rider-friends, it’s clear I’m not alone in my fear that I wouldn’t be able to pass muster when I returned to the saddle. 

Real Talk: Let's Have a Frank Discussion on Riding While Pregnant 

“After my first child, I don't think it sank in that life would be different,” says my amateur friend, Melissa, a former tack shop owner who rode through 31 weeks pregnant and was showing less than one month after her son was born. “Looking back, I think I was a little crazy for all that. 

“I didn't have fears of falling, or anxiety of being hurt, I had fears and anxiety that this little person would take away my passion, my identity. I remember clients [who] would come into the store to buy their children's riding stuff, and they would say, ‘Oh, I quit [riding] after having kids, it was just too much.’  I would look at them with horror on my face and vow I would never be like them.” 

“I decided to restart riding after about 15-16 months off, [and] I was nervous,” says another amateur friend, Kasey, who initially sold her horse when she became pregnant. “After 20+ years of riding, I had never taken more than a few weeks off, so it was a huge adjustment. My balance, confidence, and effectiveness had all tanked. Five years later and I am still dealing with the effects of it,” she says.

For other women, the decision to ride again after giving birth is less about getting their sea legs back, and more about adjusting to a new state of mind. “Before children, I was fearless. I was confident and I would ride anything. After having children, I have so much more to think about. I am not just riding for myself anymore,” says Becky, a trainer with more than 25 years of experience who rode up to two weeks before delivering both her children. 

“I think my first and biggest fear [was] the reality of the worst happening. I would now leave a little boy without a mom,” says Kendall, another friend who works as a trainer in the industry. “I know that is the extreme, but personally knowing people who were professionals, that lost their lives, it’s a sobering thought. Even just the possibility of getting injured now would have a huge affect on this little life.” 

I was only able to jump my horses in one schooling show in Florida before COVID-19 hit, and being my first event back, the jumps were little. That said, while I felt the familiar butterflies I always get before riding into the ring, I didn’t feel a new sense of pressure, even knowing that Rhys was there, snoozing in his stroller along the rail. Will that change when the jumps inevitably get bigger? I don’t know. 

I’m still trying to suss out my own comfort level in these scenarios, but one thing I do know is that I want to inspire my son to have the courage to pursue his passions, whatever they may be. For me, that means continuing to do what I love, as safety as I know how.

Riding is an inherently dangerous sport, and I think it’s fair to say that many women find themselves reevaluating what level of risk is acceptable to them after they have children. This may include the horses you choose to swing your leg over, the conditions you’ll compete in, or how big you jump. 

I’m still trying to suss out my own comfort level in these scenarios, but one thing I do know is that I want to inspire my son to have the courage to pursue his passions, whatever they may be. For me, that means continuing to do what I love, as safety as I know how. Someday, I know, Rhys will spend his days rolling his eyes at me when I ask him to pick up his laundry, write thank you notes, or help with the dishes. But I secretly hope that maybe, just maybe, he also brags to his friends that his mom, for all her faults, is also a horse-jumping badass.  

Abandoning the Bubble

In years past, my husband liked to joke that I would “run” to the barn for a couple of hours on a weekend at noon, and he’d see me again in time for dinner at 6 p.m. As a new mom, I recognize that my days of disappearing into the “bubble”—chatting with friends on the tack trunk or hour-long hand-grazing sessions with my horse—are a thing of the past. 

Infants need to eat, and when you’re on a breastfeeding/pumping schedule, or relieving time-pressed sitters, you’re always on the clock. It’s also dawned on me that one day, if I hope to support Rhys in his own commitments, and I do, running home to change diapers and wash bottles will eventually give way to getting back in time to carpool to soccer practice, drop him at tuba lessons, or pick him up after school. For me, this loss of formerly valued mental health time, not just riding but caring for my horses and socializing with my team, has been one of the hardest adjustments. In this, I’m not alone. 

“Time at the barn is a lot less leisurely,” says Ashley, an amateur rider friend who, like me, is concentrating her efforts on bringing along a young horse. “I’m always watching the clock to make sure I don’t run late and mess with the child’s routine.

“[Becoming a mom] changed my perspective a bit in terms of what I will or can stress about,” she continues. “I feel I don’t have the mental capacity anymore to sweat the small stuff.”

For other moms, any time spent at the barn and away from their young child(ren) is accompanied by a very real sense of guilt. “The thing that [changed] the most is how much time I get to ride and train,” Kendall says. “We do have people that are always willing to watch [my son], but I don’t want to miss this time. 

“They are only little once, and as much as I see all the horses I could be riding, I cherish these days when he’s so [small]. They only fit in your arms for so long, so, for now, I ride a little and I hold my baby a lot.”  

“I refuse to ever be the mom that gives it up, but I will say, I am the mom that is [now] more reasonable about my riding life,” adds Melissa, the former tack shop owner. “We built a family farm where my horses and kids [can] grow up together. I ride at home, they play outside while I do it. [My kids] are a part of caring for all our animals.

“I want to make memories with my boys,” Melissa continues. “I don't want them to resent my horse habit, because, let's face it, horses are a drug addiction of another kind! [I] want them to know that they came first, and that we are a family unit who supports each other's interests.”

“They are only little once, and as much as I see all the horses I could be riding, I cherish these days when he’s so [small]. They only fit in your arms for so long, so, for now, I ride a little and I hold my baby a lot.”  

In my experience, on those rare occasions when I can spend some additional time for myself at the barn, being present and making the most of every moment with my horses is key. For my friend Becky, the COVID-19 lockdown came with an unexpected benefit. “Not teaching riding lessons and having more time to myself was a blessing in disguise,” she explains. “I spent my time riding my lesson horses bareback—I lived to ride bareback as a child. It was incredibly inspiring to me, and the level of confidence I regained, after pushing myself in a different than ‘normal’ way, was so good for my mind.”

Blind Ambitions 

Of all the things that worried me about becoming a mom, what concerned me most was how this new, beloved little person was going to reshape my ambitions in the sport. I never thought I’d win an Olympic medal (at least not since I became a grownup), but as a competitive amateur rider, I do have goals; horse shows I want to experience, divisions I want to compete in. Some of these are things I could never accomplish as a young rider, but now, finally, they feel within reach

My hope is that Nugget will get me there, but when and how are still very much up in the air. I’m aware of the fact that, while some of my friends say they are ambitious as ever, for others, especially those with young children, it’s a time to step back, not forward in the sport. In other words, putting your dreams on hold, at least temporarily. “My long term goals have changed. I still want to go to zones and North American League (NAL) Finals one day again, but not any time soon,” says Melissa, who competes in the Adult Amateur hunters. 

“I don't feel bad [about going to ride anymore],” Melissa adds. “It makes me a better wife and a better mom when I come home.” 

“My goals [right now] are to ride well, train when I [can], but be completely focused when I’m there. And to go to the horse shows I want to go to, not the ones I have to [to chase] points.” 

“While I used to compete at the rated level, and always had goals of returning to the Adult Amateur hunters, I have since set my sights on the Pre-Adults,” says Kasey, who decided to purchase another horse and return to the show ring when her son turned one. “It doesn't sound like much at all when you compare it to my previous show schedules, or hopes, but that doesn't bother me at all.

“I'd rather spend Sunday mornings having pancakes with my family and use any extra savings to go on family trips,” Kasey continues. “There are fun barn shows and clinics offered that help me learn, grow, and seek satisfaction in other ways.

“Having mom-barn-friends to commiserate, laugh, and share joyful moments with helps too. Riding feels more social than ever, [and I] have found that aspect of it has helped me to assess and refocus on what really matters, rather than getting hung up on not doing more, or winning more, or jumping bigger.” 

For still other riders, it’s not just their own hopes and dreams they’re considering anymore. “My ambition and excitement changed to one day sharing my passion with my son,” says Kendall. “Maybe he [won’t] take the same path as me, and that [will] be fine, but I [am] excited to experience with him all the firsts: seeing his first horse, his first [trot, canter, and jump]. I still long to compete, myself, as well as [train] others to ride and compete. But I am eager for my child’s first show the most.” 

My trainer-friend Beth has also put her own plans on hold to support her daughter’s growing love of the sport. “I have always toyed around with the idea of getting myself a young horse. Now that my ‘baby’ is old enough to be riding, and have a horse [of her own], my horse and show funds go to her,” she says.

I’m still finding my own way in all of this, but for now, moderation in all things seems to be the name of the game. I like to think I am stuck in a bit of a holding pattern. I can still see the runway of my long-term goals down below, but right now, my very small, smiley, and occasionally diaper rash-prone copilot needs me to keep the plane airborne, and the attention on him, for a while longer. My friend Melissa is of a similar mind.

“I know, one day, I will spend my summers at all the shows again, my winters in Florida, and [make] my Finals debut. But for now, I just do it for fun,” she says, recalling the guilt that chasing points once caused her when she missed out on family time with her sons and husband. 

“I don't feel bad [about going to ride anymore],” Melissa adds. “It makes me a better wife and a better mom when I come home.” 

Read this next: More Than Just 'Mom': Returning to Horses Made Me Feel Like Myself Again

Written by Nina Fedrizzi

Nina Fedrizzi spends her days writing about horse sport, food, and travel. She began her career at Travel + Leisure and is a former editor at NF Style. When she's not tapping away on her MacBook, Nina can usually be found on a horse, sleuthing out the local pho, or refusing to unpack her carry-on. Watch her do all three on Instagram @ninafedrizzi.