True Life: Riding Clothes Give me a FUPA

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t a recent show, I was watching a video of my round in super slo-mo to analyze (and self-deprecate over) every part of my ride, as one does. As I slid my finger across the video bar on the bottom of my iPhone, I saw what no rider ever wants to see. A slight FUPA, on my body, as I was landing from an oxer. I nearly dropped my phone in disgust.

Now, despite my degree in English and the incessant, “You want to be a teacher, right?” questions, I have never and will never have any interest in standing at the front of a classroom, So, if you don’t know what a FUPA is, don’t expect me to tell you right here, right now. Look it up on Urban Dictionary and come right back. I’ll wait.

There was a show on Disney Channel that I often watched as a kid that told the story of a family of geometrically-shaped robots that lived in a teapot house (whoever wrote the show was clearly on a lot of drugs). Rolie Polie Olie was cute and innocent and a rather distant memory of my childhood, but as soon as I became aware of my FUPA, I realized with horror that I am none other than Olie Polie himself. Looking at a picture of him is like looking in the mirror.

On animated characters, the FUPA looks almost chic in a way that real life and breeches could never make happen. There’s just something about riding attire that makes my body look like a lump of hardened Play-Doh mixed with Pooh Bear. Is it due to gravity? Partially. Is it due to the skin-tight, unforgiving fabrics used for breeches? Mostly.

If you read the headline of this article and thought, “Wow, someone finally said it!”, I’m glad I could be that person for you. I’m just doing my adult amateur duty. And, listen, at the end of the day, Olie Polie is cute as a button so I guess there are worse characters to resemble.

Written by Kate Kosnoff

Kate Kosnoff is an equestrian journalist, blogger and photographer. When she isn’t working, Kate can usually be found sipping green tea, scrolling through Twitter, or petting her horses—sometimes a combination of the three. She is based in Indiana and can often be spotted in jumper rings across the Midwest and Florida aboard her strawberry roan, Waffle.